Junk Food

Alone in the early dark of winter nights,

Smoking roll-ups to asphyxiate the panic,

I remember what it was that you were for:

Your tall body was one long cigarette;

Your love was made of nicotine and smoke –

Which even though it clogged and choked,

Created an illusion that whatever I should

Sacrifice for you, and whatever harm

That would do, at least I was not alone.

Renting in London

A friend of mine sent me a message asking for help finding rental property in London... and I replied with an unexpectedly epic essay on the process of finding places to live.  So I'm going to post it here in case it's of use to anyone else, ever, and also because I just spent over an hour composing this opus.

 I was wondering as to whether you could help direct me to a person/website/agency that can help me find a place to rent without screwing me over. I'm not too keen on high street estate agents coz they're crooks, frankly.. any ideas?

Jessica Louise Wren Butler 5:36ɯɐ ʇɐ ɹəqɯəʌou 14

Hmmm.. well, it's a tricky thing, finding somewhere to live. Are you looking for a place on your own or in a shared house?

I used Acorn for my current place - they do screw you over in terms of charging lots of fees, but I ended up just having to take a place and not really having any time to find somewhere else. They're ok though. And my property was only let by them rather than let and managed, so I have direct contact with my landlord about anything that needs doing, and it will be him that gives my deposit back, etc., so it's not like just dealing with some faceless corporation.

On the other hand, if you get somewhere that is both let and managed by the agent, it might be more likely that stuff actually gets done - depending on how decent the landlord is - because they tend to just employ their own maintenance people and stuff.

So, agencies aren't all bad news. And they are handy in that they have multiple properties, they can negotiate with the landlord on your behalf so you can make offers without having to go through the horrid bit of doing it face to face, they will usually drive you around to several properties if you have more than one that you want to see, so less hiking around London meeting landlords who may or may not turn up. However, they will charge you about £200 for the privilege of printing off bits of paper and giving you keys.

I think it's a balance - individual landlords can be better if you get a good one and it's all above-board. The problem is, finding them. Gumtree can be very good, and is definitely better for south of the river because all the fake ads seem centred on northern places (and there are a LOT of fake ads). With Gumtree you just have to be very careful and if your shit-factor goes off even slightly, AVOID! Because there are a lot of scams on there, or just people who you probably wouldn't want to be your landlord. Also, agencies have really got into using Gumtree now, so you need to check whether it's actually a private listing or not.

The Loot is also a good way of finding private lettings - comes out three times a week, but you need to get in there QUICK. Anything decent goes practically instantly, so buy it the morning it comes out and ring about anywhere interesting immediately. Less good things about the Loot - it really varies how much property there is, and it depends where you want to rent - I usually had a flick through in the newsagent and only bought it if it looked like there were things I was interested in. Several times there was just nothing around in the areas I wanted to rent in. If you're feeling really stingy you could just take down the numbers without buying it.... I don't advice using Loot.com though because it's a bit like Fish4 and anyone can submit online ads, so you have to sift through an awful lot of crap.

Newsagent windows are also handy - walk around the areas you're interested in and look at the ads they have up.

I'd say don't rule out agents, because if you find the best property with one of them it's probably worth the exttra couple of hundred quid. Also, with the market like it is a lot of rent has to come down in price, but most landlords haven't really realised this - they still expect to get as much or more than they did the last time they let the property. This isn't realistic in the current climate, and a lot of property is empty as a result. I did a lot of talking to agents when I was hunting and they were saying that some landlords are quite difficult about it - the advantage of going through an agent is that they can express this to the landlord, and they might be more apt to accept an offer than if you deal with them directly.

HOWEVER, there are a few things I learnt about agents:

* NEVER use Foxtons. They are evil, and their fees are ridiculous.
* Don't pay more than £250 in fees - it isn't worth it, and £150-£250 is average, so more than that is taking the piss.
* Don't let them pressure you into a decision if you aren't sure, because they will try - they want their commission after all.
* Don't get into a bidding war - if they tell you someone else is interested in the property and encourage you to offer more rent so you can secure it, walk away. It probably isn't true, and you will be able to find somewhere else.
* Don't use Spacelet, Flatland, Interlet... erm... I can't remember all the names, but these are scams that charge you to look at properties. they advertise amazing looking places for practically free and it is lies. Once you register and give them money, they show you all the shitty expensive places everyone else will show you for free. Lots of Gumtree ads, especially north of the river ones, are put up by these companies. Luckily I didn't learn this from experience, but lots of people have. In fact, if anywhere asks for money before you've accepted a property, don't get involved.

Good places to find property from agents:

* rightmove.co.uk - agents can submit their properties and you can search everything that's available in the areas you're looking for. You can also send a blanket email to all agents in the area and they will register you on their database and call you when new stuff comes up. Beware that this means you will be literally inundated with phone calls for a while. Obviously not all agencies use this site, so it won't be everything, but it is good for getting an idea of the going rate for what you're looking for is.
* findaproperty.com - works in the same way as Right Move, but I don't think it's quite as good. However, it does tend to get more stuff and it's worth looking at.
* In my experience, similar sites like propertyfinder.com, properazzi, globrix, etc., are not worth the hassle - they don't get as many listings, and what they do have tends to be the same as the two up there ^

Things to bear in mind when using those sites:

* It is worth using the advanced search to only look at properties added recently - like in the last couple of weeks, because a lot of agencies are lazy and don't bother to take the property down or mark it as let. Sometimes the properties have been on there for months and were let yonks ago.
* In relation to the above, if there was something I was interested in, I would usually go to the agent's website and see if it was still advertised there, rather than ring up and waste everyone's time. They tend to update their own sites regularly, so it will tell you if it's still available or not. A few agencies only use rightmove or findaproperty, but if they are one of those they tend to be quite good at keeping their listings current.
* If you send a mass email to agents, they will probably ignore everything you say in it other than the fact that you are looking for a property, so be prepared to re-iterate your requirements and don't be surprised if they offer you places that don't meet the stiuplations you made in your initial enquiry.
* Keep an eye on what's around over time - if you keep seeing a place come up, it might be worth a look. It used to be true that anything around for longer than a couple of days was a shithole, but it's not so much the case with rent as it is at the moment. If it's been empty for a while, it could just be that it's overpriced, and you might be able to get a good deal on it.

In fact, on that note - ALWAYS make an offer. there's no point just paying the asking price - you may as well see if you can get some money off, because the worst they can do is reject it, and then you're back where you started. Plus, agencies, at least, expect offers, and I'm fairly sure they price above what they expect to get. Some agents are more amenable than others to telling you what the landlord might reasonably accept, and it's worth taking it with a pinch of salt anyway because they get commission, and obviously the higher the price, the more they get.

... apparently this message is too long (!) so continues....

Jessica Louise Wren Butler 5:36ɯɐ ʇɐ ɹəqɯəʌou 14

... Agents are helpful, but I think it helps to think of them as double agents. While they are dealing with you they are working for you, but they are also working for themselves. They want money, they want YOUR money - they want you to be happy with the property, and ultimately they want you to rent it, because the sooner it's let the sooner they start earning. The good ones understand that if you are happy, that is better for them in the long run - if you take the property for less than they wanted you to, but you take it now, they will still be better off than if it sits empty for another month and ultimately goes for more. Also, you will give good word of mouth, will be a nicer customer to deal with, and will be less likely to back out.

There are bad ones, too, who only seem to care about the money and have lost sight of the fact that they are dealing with real human people who are going through the very stressful experience of finding a new house and having to move into it. If you get one like that, just don't go back to them. Good agents will recognise that it's important that you feel good about the process and will remember that what for them is just a job, with you being one of thousands of customers they see in a year, for you is a pretty major event. I guess it's not important to everyone that the agents they deal with are nice, but I at least find houseunting EXTREMELY stressful, and if the agents/landlords are nice, and helpful, and seem to see me as a human being, and are doing their job properly, then the whole thing is a lot less stress. Unfortunately a lot of people don't seem to realise that if you are less stressed that is better for them, because they don't have to deal with a stressed person, and they really don't see that a lot of the time they have a big influence on how stressed out you are.

There are a few agencies that I found which were good for what I was looking for - a studio/one-bed, low budget, south-east London - and seemed to have quite nice employees. Bear in mind that studios are hard to come by if that's what you're looking for. They are popular, and there aren't many around. Agents worth registering with or checking regularly:

* Acorn
* Eaton Green
* Ludlow Thomson
* Wooster and Stock
* Winkworth
* Rocodells
* Leaf Lettings
* Oaklets
* KushyMove

Ludlow and Wooster don't have that much bottom-budget stuff, but the quality of their lettings seems to be better than a lot of other places so I tended to keep an eye in case anything did come up.

Wow, sorry, this is mega long! And it probably tells you mostly stuff you already know, but I thought I may as well cover everything. I've done a lot of property hunting in the last few years - rented six places since 2005 so I've spent much more time on all this stuff than I would ever want to!

Have I even answered your question?! I don't know. I'm probably just wasting your time, but that is, well, everything I have to say about the process of renting property. There isn't, sadly, just one place you can go, or one person you can go to, to find somewhere. It is an awkward, lengthy, stressful process, but the upshot of having spent lots of time going through this process is that I keep getting better at it. I now know which places are good to look, what to avoid, how to deal with this weird world of estate agency, and know which corners to cut. This immensely epic message is a distillation of that knowledge.. I hope some of it is helpful!

This is a bit of a silly one, really, but I do think the general profusion of the idea that people can't be responsible for themselves is quite damaging.  All the risk assessment bollocks and arse-covering that is so institutionalised now just robs people of their common sense, breeds laziness, the idea that everything must be someone else's fault, that someone else will sort it out, that if crap things happen there must be a reason for it, and someone must be responsible, and that person must be 'brought to justice'.  Usually by the 'victim' receiving a huge wad of cash. I'm detracting from the point here really, but hand-in-hand with this culture of capitalising on accidents is an idea that people therefore need to be protected and told what to do so that it can't rebound on whoever it is that is doing the telling that people 'weren't informed'.  The staple response now is 'I wasn't told' rather than 'I didn't think of that', which leads to more and more idiocy, and somehow it being okay to actually blame other people for one's own stupidity.

This poem isn't about that.. well, it's about one aspect of the culture that breeds this kind of ridiculous nannying, but in my mind it's all part and parcel of the same thing really...  I happen to think it's a very poor poem, in 'poetic' terms - it's certainly an idea poem rather than a sound poem, or an image poem, or an emotive piece, and as such is a bit out of line with what I usually write, and in fact I didn't write most of it, just rephrased First Great Western's helpful advice.  Still, it took less then five minutes of my time and I quite like the idea, even if it isn't very pleasingly presented.

Please Do Not Remove

Please read these instructions,

Which are provided for your safety

In the event of an emergency:

In the event of an emergency,

Stay on the train.

Stay on the train

Because it is the safest place

In the event of an emergency.

This is not adequate advice for life.

In the event of an emergency,

Unless you are on an actual train,

No rescue teams will come to save you –

And nor should they.

November 1^st 

inappropriately dressed in sequinned

leggings and cheap, dainty shoes, I roam

Brighton beach in gale-force winds:

one half of my head and neck are wet

where the rain crackles on my hood

like dried wood newly set alight, and

my lips taste salty-sweet with mingled

sea-spray and stage-blood from

last night’s antics as a zombie cat, but

all discomfort flees before this evacuating

wind and I am no longer physical –

I am a spirit who crawled through

when the veils were thin, who is so

happy to be here that even in this

earthly weather she cavorts on the shore

like a kite, howling at the rowdy waves.

Mina Loy, Music, Perforation

This is going to be an all-singing, all-dancing blog post of varietal wonders.

I will begin by recommending one of my favourite poets to you because I'm sure we're all sick of the sound of my voice.  And also no-one ever seems to have heard of her despite the fact that she is GREAT and at least as good as other people who were writing at her time, namely Gertrude Stein, Marianne Moore, et al. Her name is Mina Loy and I would advise you to quick-step - run not walk - to your nearest good bookshop, or Amazon, and purchase The Lost Lunar Baedeker which is edited by Roger Conover.  It is a very good collection indeed.  Personally I prefer the earlier poems, which I wrote a critical essay on a couple of years ago, talking about how Loy writes from her perspective as a woman.  Here is a Wikipedia page which tells you a bit about her (as always with the dreaded W, take anything that isn't properly referenced with a pinch of salt.  And don't even think about citing it as a source)... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mina_Loy

I lent my copy of this book to my friend so I might have to pilfer a poem from Google, if I can find one, for your reading pleasure...

Lunar Baedeker
by Mina Loy
A silver Lucifer serves cocaine in cornucopia To some somnambulists of adolescent thighs draped in satirical draperies Peris in livery prepare Lethe for posthumous parvenues Delirious Avenues lit with the chandelier souls of infusoria from Pharoah's tombstones lead to mercurial doomsdays Odious oasis in furrowed phosphorous--- the eye-white sky-light white-light district of lunar lusts ---Stellectric signs "Wing shows on Starway" "Zodiac carrousel" Cyclones of ecstatic dust and ashes whirl crusaders from hallucinatory citadels of shattered glass into evacuate craters A flock of dreams browse on Necropolis From the shores of oval oceans in the oxidized Orient Onyx-eyed Odalisques and ornithologists observe the flight of Eros obsolete And "Immortality" mildews... in the museums of the moon "Nocturnal cyclops" "Crystal concubine" ------- Pocked with personification the fossil virgin of the skies waxes and wanes----

I stole that from here and I would really have liked to share 'Parturition', which is my favourite of her poems, but I can't find it online.


And because I can't resist the narcissism, here is a first draft of something I started writing yesterday:


perforate


when first he slipped it in
it hit a rib before sliding 
through my bone-valley
like a solid metal snake.
all that was soft collapsed
and seeped through its cage,
cooling as it trickled down my legs.


the blade met my blood,
greeted it like an old friend,
and I remembered that tang --
like eating off a cheap spoon --
from when I licked those
hidden, self-inflicted wounds.




Now I'm going to make some dinner before heading out to see The Dead Weather.  I might even review it later.  But I have a few gigs to catch up on - Pixies, iLiKETRAiNS, and Annie - so perhaps I should get to those first.  Anyway, I'm hoping tonight will be good - I saw them at Glastonbury, unexpectedly, and they still managed to suitably rock at five in the afternoon, so my expectations are high.  Plus it's at The Forum, and you can't go too far wrong with The Forum, in my opinion.

Australia, redrafted

I workshopped Australia for creative writing this week, which led to a temporary crisis of confidence in all my abilities to do anything.  Not because the feedback I got was especially bad - it was mixed, as feedback always is, and should be.  But just because having people pick your work apart piece by piece is an uncomfortable experience and I think mainly my crisis was about putting myself in that position, and whether I want to.  Workshopping this year is very thorough, which is great, but means you can never escape from the interrogation of your work.  Every word is questioned and all in all it's a process that ends up making me feel like it is just an impossible task, writing.  Every word could be a different word, and it's so easy to just go on gut and not really, REALLY think about what I'm saying, or whether I've already said it.  It is impossible to be objective about your own work.  So there is the great benefit of workshopping - you get a whole bunch of different objectivities, different opinions, different ideas.  It makes you realise where you've been lazy, or just a bit stupid, or blind.  But the upshot of that, and the downside, is that it suddenly seems impossible to trust myself to write anything at all without second, third, tenth opinions.  Because even if I go through a poem a hundred times there are always things I will miss - things I don't even realise are there, things that feel integral to the poem because the idea occurred simultaneously with another and it seems inconceivable to remove one part of that.  Repetitions, duplications, inactive words that aren't really saying or doing anything.  It's so hard to pick those things up.  I can go back to poems I wrote years ago and suddenly see really obvious things that need changing.  Sometimes.  But just as often I'm so used to the poem being that way that it is almost impossible to reduce it back to its constituent parts and remember that this word may always have followed this word, but it doesn't HAVE to, it just always HAS, and that's not the same thing at all.  Kind of like de Saussure's theory of signifiers and signified -we're tricked into thinking a bottle has to be called a bottle, but of course it doesn't, it just always has been in our experience (presuming one is a native English speaker, obviously).

ANYWAY, I took on board some of the feedback, and redrafted a punchier version:

The Outback

            or, The High Road (Part Three)

after the fire –

even after all other

metal was smelted –

there remained an Aga

and a garden gnome.

after years and distance

have burned the sinews

that link us, my love for you

perseveres – incongruous as a

cooker in the wilderness –

and beside it, that guardian gnome

making sure nobody takes it away.


The problem is, that as soon as I change something I become riddled with self-doubt - how do I know the changes are better than the original?  Once I start thinking about that I want to quit acadaemia and work in Asda.


Also, I've noticed an uncomfortable truth.  Or at least I find it uncomfortable.  There is a great disparity between the analysis of published texts and the analysis of our own work.  In universities, I mean.  The general idea behind studying literature seems to be to talk about its good points, how wonderful it is, and not even question whether actually it might be a bit shit, or this line doesn't make much sense, or this is a bit of a cliche.  We just take it for granted that because someone decided they wanted to publish it, it is 'good'.  This goes for the academic and creative courses.  It makes me want to bring in a piece of work by someone else to workshop just to see what happens if people think I wrote it.  Workshops are focused on being critical.  Fair enough.  We also give positive feedback where it's due.  BUt if other writers are looked at, it is overwhelmingly to talk about how great x, y, or z is.  And yet I think a lot of what is written isn't that good.  I'm not saying that my writing is any better, but it's funny how there is an assumption that if it's published, it's perfect.  It makes it seem like there is some pinnacle of achievement to be worked towards, but there isn't.  The idea that just because for some reason a writer became canonised, highly regarded, or even just published, that means there is no room for improvement, is clearly not true.  But because as a student you are never asked to address what is not so good about a piece of writing, other than one's own, it feels like it is an impossible task to reach that level of achievement until you have rooms full of people talking about nothing but how great your work is.  Which, again, is plainly false.  Opinion will always be divided.  I dislike probably 90% of the poetry I read, however 'good' it is, and if you asked me to, I would happily pick it apart.  I'm sure a room full of people analysing a piece of writing by an anonymous writer who turned out to be a famous one would find plenty of points for criticism or alteration.  Because in a sense, writing is never finished, and we all have ideas about what we like, and what we want from a piece, and even if we can appreciate the merit of something we won't really think it is good unless we like it.  Which depends an awful lot on our own tastes and less than you would think on the talent of the writer.


I'm not sure what I'm trying to say really.  Perhaps just that it's hard to gauge where you're at, if you're an unpublished writer who never submits work to competitions, journals, &c., if the only context in which your work is received by others is a critical one, and yet you see a lot of work that you don't personally think is that good being celebrated because it's proved its mettle by getting published.  We're supposed to think that texts we study are good, and we're supposed to think that 24-year-olds who study creative writing are shit.  But Keats was 25 when he died, and he didn't 'study' creative writing, he just wrote, and a lot of what he wrote was rubbish, but some of it was good, and it's been so long that people have been thinking it's good that no-one bothers to think about whether it isn't.


Argh.  I'm not expressing myself very well.  And I did put myself in this position, of studying writing and having my work picked apart by word vultures.  So I'm not exactly complaining, or saying it should be any different, just observing the bias and contemplating it.  Mainly just because it's demoralising to hear people big up stuff I think is shit and tear down what I've written, because even though I know it's just opinions, and everyone's is different, and that's all fine and everything, it just makes me feel like my work must be shittier than a sewer with diarrhoea.  Which perhaps it is.  But whether it is or whether it isn't is kind of irrelevant, because feeling like it's shit is the problem, and that doesn't have anything to do with whether it is shit or not.

Another Older One...

palimpsest

it’s always there

you know

like wallpaper

beneath the paint.

so I puncture

fissures in the facing

and flake off the

fresh veneer

to press my fingers

on past papers

and remember

when I loved you.